I wake up to 60+ messages. That’s flattering. I attempt to read and respond to each message for politeness sake. I try to keep an open mind as I’m scrolling through terrible profile pictures and misspelled headliners.
There is Armpit Guy; perhaps he was going for a more artistic shot, angling the camera just so. He’s driving. He’s wearing a hat and sunglasses on. Did I mention the hairy armpit?
Grown men taking bathroom selfies. I’m embarrassed for them.
Selfies with hats worn in all sorts of configurations. Farmer? Thug? Thespian? President? I have no idea because you’re WEARING A STUPID HAT.
Selfies with their children!
Fdubcrusier’s profile picture is of him on a bicycle with a basket on the front. Funny. But he’s wearing sunglasses and I can’t see his face.
“This is a badass headline!”
About Me goes a little like this: If thing’s get “Epic”, great!!!! if not Great!!! we’ve each made a new friend, and have prolly shared some really nice times together!!
hottubtimemachine88 wants me to have a beer with him. You guessed it – in his hot tub.
My first douchey message comes from notSure6385.
notSure6385: Are the dogs a substitute for your lack of children?
T: What dogs? I do have 2 kids.
notSure6385: You obviously have a strong maternal instinct, but for whatever reason you have supplanted children for pets, and judging by the picture on your profile you should get a room with your two “kids,” or move to an island where you guys can be alone.
T: Um, I am on an island. I gave away all my human kids because they were born addicted to crack. Who needs that in their life. I’m going back to my adoring fur children now. Have a lovely day.
The messages and “meet me” notices continue to rack up. I shut it down for the night, anxiety hunching my shoulders, a raging headache taking root in my frazzled brain. I had just spent another 3 hours talking about nothing with strangers. “How are you? What are you up to? What do you do?” Who cares? Make me smile. Better yet, make me laugh. Catch on to my weird banter and give it back to me.
This is dumb.
You’re not going to want to miss DAY THREE. It’s the craziest one yet!