Reasons to chop up your coworkers/customers:
- Headphones are clearly inserted into my ears so bypass me for the next hour. No? You’re still talking? Your ear will display nicely in a clear acrylic cube on my desk. Perhaps the bloody visual will deter future interruptions.
- Why are you asking me to copy and paste a report when you make 6 figures and do nothing but tank the company? This is where I stab you with our logo golf tee. That we so needed.
- If you’re a customer, don’t send me Youtube video’s featuring my name in a song, it is freaking creepy NOT flattering.
- Don’t say you didn’t get my email when I have the read receipt. Don’t say you didn’t get the attachment because I can forward you the exact email AND the read receipt. Cause I do be smart.
- Don’t email me with words such as “OMG”, “u”, or “Gee whiz”. Email is the best time to pretend to be a professional – you don’t have to contort your face, sit up straight, stop sipping on your adult beverage, or even put on pants to write an email! You are missing a valuable opportunity to convince us you have it all under control. Gee Whiz, I can totally picture you in Sponge Bob boxers with cheese sauce dripping from your greasy lips onto your hairy, food encrusted chest. Thanks.
- Why can I hear you drink or eat? Why?! Close your mouth! If you came from a civilized home you would have been backhanded for having such terrible table manners. Your mother is hanging her head in shame as you fill the office space with your disgusting sounds of chewing, smacking, slurping, and gulping. Please note your tongue will be removed and inserted somewhere else on/in your body. Don’t worry; I’m sure you’ll still find some way to annoy the piss out of me even though you can no longer masticate.
- It’s not my job to listen to your whiny voice just like apparently it is not your job to do your job. Put your big girl panties on and take accountability or you will be strapped to your desk and tortured until you learn everyone’s job.
I do not care to ponder the criminal ramifications; my white-hot anger will ensure I strike first and deal with the mess later.
Reasons those afflicted with above traits should obey: We determined burying bodies is a fabulous way to get a solid workout.
What did we learn today? Don’t be dumb.
-xo 3T & SK