Bleed On the Page

This is where you write.

This is where you bury the demons. Or let them escape. Or slay them.

I don’t want to cry, I’m tougher than that. Right? But I cry. Then I can’t stop crying which allows my friend Panic to stomp on my chest. It really is me. I fuck up people. I hold them outside my “pristine” space. I think I love fiercely but it is never good enough for the person I love.

Then I walk. Thunder around me, down sinister alleys, behind busy taverns, through the rain, hoping the storm would take away my internal storm, walk to breathe, walk to quiet my brain, sob and walk, I don’t want to feel this, I don’t want to feel like this, I don’t want to think about what’s wrong with me.

Walking isn’t helping. I need to hit something.

My Hayabusa gloves beckon me. My desire to feel outside pain seems to come back round after round.  My gloves hang on a chain around a decorative, delicate white wire bust, looking hardcore in their black and purple perfection, a metaphor for my existence.

The gloves call out, “Slip your hand into me, strap me around your wrist, and feel the controlled power. Smash me.” A voice so classy above the ruckus of a dark wave crashing around me. The gloves speak the truth; they will protect me from myself.

If I put them on.

But I didn’t.

Days clean: Zero.

It was exactly as I remembered. The bright pain, the dark red, the ability to catch my breath.

I remember exactly why I can’t go down that path again.

This is where you write. This is where you bleed. This is your safe place.


8 thoughts on “Bleed On the Page

  1. Gloves will work my sweet friend, because you are so much bigger than the demons… But those effers are relentless so stay strong, keep writing, keep fighting and call a friend for those moments the gloves don’t make it to your hands and step beckons! Sometimes you may need to reach out for help and I promise you aren’t alone and while I have gloves too and can help you fight.. I can kick ass too! You are so much stronger than you know… And you are NEVER alone!! Remember that. Nothing and no one is worth hurting yourself. If only you could see yourself like we see you.. Fierce!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. The best we can do is get up when we fall. Being able to do that is what it means to be strong, and I know you can do it. And I know you will do it. You’re never alone. If you ever need to talk, I’m always here.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. It’s recent, right? You’re still probably feeling the release. It sounds like you kind of don’t care about it, but you think you should care (just guessing, I apologize if I’m reading too much into this). If so, I completely understand. That goes away in a few days. That was exactly what I felt when I relapsed. You will get through this though, one day at a time.
        You’re welcome, we are all in this together.

        Liked by 1 person

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