Sunday, using the guise of continuous snow, the dogs and I chose to remain in jammies, sip wine, and binge on various television shows. Who can clean the house or do anything productive when it is snowing? It hinders ones motivation. After Joey and Cash’s morning jaunt through piles of this unwelcome snow we snuggled on the sofa. And didn’t move except for necessities. Like, getting another glass of wine. Or doggie cookies.
Do you ever have those moments when the universe sends you messages that you are not alone? I seem to have them a lot this past year. I’ll feel myself falling into the abyss and then I’ll get a text, an email, or a phone call from a loved one. Like I’m sending signals out that I could use a breather from my own thoughts. A reverse Batman signal.
(And, no, I am not one of those people who posts woe-is-me fishing messages all over my social media accounts. This is legit universe/coincidence stuff.)
Sunday was the day before MPA anniversary; I received a phone call from a dear friend who lives in the south, my former home. I haven’t spoken to him in years. He has a lovely family and is one of those guys who have it all together. Kids, wife, job. All that grown-up stuff. Shit is in check.
He wanted to know how I am. And why do I post so many pictures of other people and not myself on FB? I promised him I will try to be more self-centered and take some more selfies. And…I apologized to him. I said, “Maybe everything I’ve gone through with men is Karma for being a shitty human being. I’m really sorry for everything I did back then.” We didn’t even have to play the fake I’m-not-sure-what-you-mean conversation, he graciously accepted.
I haven’t been the best human in this life. I am honestly doing whatever it takes to resolve my inner conflict that more often than not landed on other people who care about me and ended up hurting them. I was insecure. I needed to know men wanted me. I needed that power of having a fallback. I didn’t care what happened to them because what was waging war inside me took precedence. Whatever their feelings were I internalized furthering my belief I am not a good person.
This evolution of Tara has been a long time in the making. Learning to be my own friend, learning to be kind to myself, all with a big dose of humility is an ongoing process. Acknowledging I have hurt others in pursuit of destroying myself is a big step.
I am grateful I had a chance to apologize. I don’t know that I ever would have had he not called on that lazy, snowy day.
I believe we each have a path that is predestined. This path is to lead us to become who we are meant to be. It’s up to us humans to mess it up. We have difficult choices to make but a higher power wants us to succeed and so we are given chance after chance to steer our way back to where we belong. I’m finding out who I really am. I like her a little more each day.