Jumping Track

train

Recovery…yeah, it’s an ongoing thing. My recovery train jumped track. Obviously, considering last weeks posts. Secrets are like cutting, no one but I see the mangled mess so I can keep it from everyone. Riiiiight.

I let things get out of hand for a while there. Drinking perpetuates my self-loathing which makes me want to drink more to cope. Feelings, ick feelings; top it off with a drink, drown it out.

It’s always something. I hate being like this. I’m either eating too much, not eating enough, over-exercising, being a slug, cutting, binge drinking, maintaining, or waiting for the cycle to repeat. It’s exhausting.

I came clean to my accountability partner and I’ve had a few long talks with those above and myself the last few days. Forgiveness. Stop hurtling towards the darkness. Drinking is a duplicitous asshole. So calming, so enjoyable. So wretched, so mean. I am not a pretty drunk. My demons and heartaches will not be soothed with blood, alcohol, or any other means of self-harm. They only grow darker and more voluminous. One day they will overtake me. Or they won’t. I’ll keep fighting. Keep dancing. Keep writing.

Thanks for riding this crazy train with me. – xo 3T

“You will lose someone you can’t live without, and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up. And you come through. It’s like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly—that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp.” ― Anne Lamott

 


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